three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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