ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
