i jhust puked up my retainher.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
