Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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