I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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