she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
