when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
