I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
