I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
