girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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