im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Non-Jews are for practice
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
