You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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