I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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