Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
there is glitter all over my balls
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
