Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
