He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
