that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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