chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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