if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
do herpes really smell.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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