ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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