Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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