She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
