i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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