you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
