david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
