Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
