people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize