Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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