I accidentally had phone sex last night
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
