i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
