Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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