I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
