Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
