my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
