Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
