I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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