spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
