My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
