Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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