Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This house was built for laser tag.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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