we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
