oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
