I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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