I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
