i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
