the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
