Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
zippers are such a cool invention
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
