Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
