So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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