i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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