The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She bit a glass in half.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
