one word: firstdatebathroomanal
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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