Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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