um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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