Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
