Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
