I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I checked into jail on foursquare
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
