Who wears a wallet chain?!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
