It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
